By John W. Lesko
It can sometimes be fun to discuss the Mount Rushmore of quarterbacks, running backs, Super Bowl venues, horrible officiating calls, etc. It might also be boring. I don't really know because I am more concerned with silly things like the Mount Rushmore of frog habitats and squirrel interests.
For the longest time, I did not know in which direction to go with this article. A long poem? Too corny. A fictional football story involving 20 or so Mount Rushmores which would mean having to add about 80 players to the story? I would rather just write a novel and not be forced to fit in stuff. A simple list with no prose other than the two prior paragraphs? Now that actually would work. Alas, there will be some other comments.
This is meant to be a fun topic but there are rules. Louis Lipps cannot be on the Mount Rushmore of Body Parts. What are lipps? Why is there a red line appearing under lipps after I write lipps in this Word document? Oh, that is because lipps do not exist. Lips do, however. When somebody with the surname of Lips plays in the NFL, then maybe that guy will make the Mount Rushmore of Body Parts.
The second rule is that the quality of a name is of major importance whereas the quality of the player is not important. As arguably the greatest running back of all-time, Jim Brown would be an obvious choice for the NFL Mount Rushmore of Colors if the quality of the player was a main factor. It is not a factor here. A lesser running back named Ivory Lee Brown is a much better choice for this Mount Rushmore because he has two colors in his name. Similarly, if an NFL player had the last name of California Condor he would be a significantly better fit for the Mount Rushmore of Birds than somebody with the last name of Bird.
The third rule is it is best to not have a player appear on two different Mount Rushmores for no other reason than to get more players listed here. John Woodcock would make sense for both the Mount Rushmore of Birds and the Mount Rushmore of Woodland Creatures but he has only been placed officially on one of those.
Now that the rules have been explained and some direction has been given, let's start with the Mount Rushmore of Directions. Jim North, Ronnie Lee South, Ron East, and Charlie West are the members.
Mount Rushmore of U.S. States- Russell Maryland, Dwayne Missouri, Joe Montana, Joe Washington
Mount Rushmore of State Capitals- Bo Jackson, Keith Lincoln, Greg Montgomery, and Ed Salem
Mount Rushmore of U.S. Cities- David Boston, Greg Cleveland, Ken Houston, Fred Provo
Mount Rushmore of Countries- Larry Canada, Reggie Germany, Steve Israel, Dick Spain
Mount Rushmore of Frog Habitats- Amos Marsh, Ralph Meadow, Antwaune Ponds, Philip Rivers
Mount Rushmore of Generic Locations- Don Alley, Pat Beach, Tai Streets, Ickey Woods
Mount Rushmore of Places to Live- Eric Castle, Jon Condo, Kevin House, Greg Manor
Mount Rushmore of Dudes- Paul Johns, Greg Lens, Larry Marks, Colin Scotts. Note- if your name is Paul Johns it might as well be John Pauls.
Mount Rushmore of U.S. Presidents- Blair Bush, Houston Hoover, Lincoln Kennedy, Sam Madison
Mount Rushmore of Guys With Three First Names- Walker Lee Ashley, Waldo Don Carlos, Bobby Jack Floyd, Peter Tom Willis
Mount Rushmore of Royalty- Wesley Duke, Kenny King, Ryan Prince, Jeff Queen
Mount Rushmore of Religion- Blaine Bishop, Bob Christian, Art Monk, Bucky Pope
Mount Rushmore of Vocations- Fred Broker, Carl Painter, Charley Quilter, Lou Usher
Mount Rushmore of Rap- Warren Bone, Raekwon McMillan, Chris Redman, Buster Rhymes
Mount Rushmore of Nice Fellows- Tom Good, Larry Peace, Anthony Pleasant, Lousaka Polite
Mount Rushmore of Movie Characters- Jim Bond, Andy Gump, Ricky Powers, Ken-Yon Rambo
Mount Rushmore of Woodland Creatures- Brad Badger, Tim Fox, Eddie Hare, Dick Wolf
Mount Rushmore of Farm Animals- Ronnie Bull, Amos Bullocks, Fred Chicken, Brad Lamb
Mount Rushmore of Fish- Glenn Bass, Mark Pike, Mike Salmon, Lyle Sturgeon
Mount Rushmore of Birds- John David Crow, Elvis Peacock, Kendrick Starling, John Woodcock
Mount Rushmore of Plants- Dick Flowers, Corey Ivy, Randy Moss, Tad Weed
Mount Rushmore of Trees- Juddy Ash, Howard Maple, Mike Palm, Ed Pine
Things to Eat or Drink
Mount Rushmore of Fruit- Jim Apple, Deron Cherry, Dave Pear, Milt Plum
Mount Rushmore of Meat- Coy Bacon, Jack Ham, Max Kielbasa, Demetrin Veal
Mount Rushmore of Condiments- Wayne Capers, Ron Mayo, Chad Mustard, Craig Yeast
Mount Rushmore of Sweets- Jamaal Fudge, Leo Sugar, Carl Wafer, Donald Angel Food Cake. Just seeing if you were paying attention. Nobody with the surname of Angel Food Cake has yet to play in the NFL. Cookie Gilchrist is the final member of this Mount Rushmore.
Mount Rushmore of Drinks- Tom Beer, Ed Champagne, Bob Margarita, Rich Martini
Mount Rushmore of Cat Activities- Jerry Groom, Jim Hunt, Russ Lay, Dennis Lick
Mount Rushmore of Court Rooms- Bob Jury, Charlie Justice, Dou Innocent, Ty Law
Mount Rushmore of Things to Wear- Bill Brace, Walt Fedora, Bill Ring, Peter Shorts
Mount Rushmore of Violence- Frank Gore, Tuffy Maul, Webster Slaughter, Henry Slay
Mount Rushmore of Weapons- Billy Cannon, Glen Spear, Sam Sword, Clyde Van Sickle
Mount Rushmore of Months- Mike January, Ray May, Cato June, Steve August
Mount Rushmore of Colors- Ivory Lee Brown, Terrance Copper, Joe Lavender, Willie Teal
Mount Rushmore of Body Parts- Loyd Arms, Tommy Neck, Darin Shoulders, Reggie Tongue
Mount Rushmore of NFL Team Names- Fred Cardinal, Alex Eagle, Terry Falcon, Walter Packer
Mount Rushmore of NBA Team Names- Phil Blazer, Cub Buck, Scott Bull, A.J. Hawk
Mount Rushmore of Days- Larry Friday, Carlyle Holiday, Andy Sabados, Jeff Saturday
Mount Rushmore of Football Actions- Mike Hold, Patrick Pass, Bob Rush, John Sack
Mount Rushmore of Writing- Bob Books, Jack Read, Bill Story, Barry Word
Mount Rushmore of Squirrel Interests- Fred Acorn, Cliff Branch, Joe Little Twig, Frank Seeds
Quite a number of Mount Rushmore ideas were left on the cutting room floor usually because there was not a fourth name to be found whatsoever or there was but it was just sort of good. We want to avoid "sort of good." We are not into reaches. Hmm. Reaches. What are things that reach? Well, while I go ponder that hopefully, some readers will put their own Mount Rushmores in the comment section.
John W. Lesko is a member of the Professional Football Researchers Association and a graduate of Seton Hall University. He is a contributing writer of "The 1958 Baltimore Colts: Profiles of the NFL's First Sudden Death Champions" and wrote an article for "The Coffin Corner" on all the major pro football games without a touchdown.