Thursday, December 13, 2018

The Top NFL Mount Rushmore Lists

By John W. Lesko

Mount Rushmore National Memorial features a sculpture of four United States Presidents carved into the granite of Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln are the four Presidents depicted on Mount Rushmore. They were chosen because they were arguably the four most famous Presidents. In the sports talk show industry, it is common to hear hosts discuss “the Mount Rushmore of NBA players” or the “Mount Rushmore of NFL head coaches.”  A theoretical Mount Rushmore of NBA players would consist of the four greatest NBA players or the four most important ones.

It can sometimes be fun to discuss the Mount Rushmore of quarterbacks, running backs, Super Bowl venues, horrible officiating calls, etc. It might also be boring. I don't really know because I am more concerned with silly things like the Mount Rushmore of frog habitats and squirrel interests.

For the longest time, I did not know in which direction to go with this article. A long poem? Too corny. A fictional football story involving 20 or so Mount Rushmores which would mean having to add about 80 players to the story? I would rather just write a novel and not be forced to fit in stuff. A simple list with no prose other than the two prior paragraphs? Now that actually would work. Alas, there will be some other comments.

This is meant to be a fun topic but there are rules. Louis Lipps cannot be on the Mount Rushmore of Body Parts. What are lipps? Why is there a red line appearing under lipps after I write lipps in this Word document? Oh, that is because lipps do not exist. Lips do, however. When somebody with the surname of Lips plays in the NFL, then maybe that guy will make the Mount Rushmore of Body Parts.

The second rule is that the quality of a name is of major importance whereas the quality of the player is not important. As arguably the greatest running back of all-time, Jim Brown would be an obvious choice for the NFL Mount Rushmore of Colors if the quality of the player was a main factor. It is not a factor here. A lesser running back named Ivory Lee Brown is a much better choice for this Mount Rushmore because he has two colors in his name. Similarly, if an NFL player had the last name of California Condor he would be a significantly better fit for the Mount Rushmore of Birds than somebody with the last name of Bird.

The third rule is it is best to not have a player appear on two different Mount Rushmores for no other reason than to get more players listed here. John Woodcock would make sense for both the Mount Rushmore of Birds and the Mount Rushmore of Woodland Creatures but he has only been placed officially on one of those.

Now that the rules have been explained and some direction has been given, let's start with the Mount Rushmore of Directions. Jim North, Ronnie Lee South, Ron East, and Charlie West are the members.
Mount Rushmore of U.S. States- Russell Maryland, Dwayne Missouri, Joe Montana, Joe Washington

Mount Rushmore of State Capitals- Bo Jackson, Keith Lincoln, Greg Montgomery, and Ed Salem

Mount Rushmore of U.S. Cities- David Boston, Greg Cleveland, Ken Houston, Fred Provo

Mount Rushmore of Countries- Larry Canada, Reggie Germany, Steve Israel, Dick Spain

Mount Rushmore of Frog Habitats- Amos Marsh, Ralph Meadow, Antwaune Ponds, Philip Rivers

Mount Rushmore of Generic Locations- Don Alley, Pat Beach, Tai Streets, Ickey Woods

Mount Rushmore of Places to Live- Eric Castle, Jon Condo, Kevin House, Greg Manor

Mount Rushmore of Dudes- Paul Johns, Greg Lens, Larry Marks, Colin Scotts. Note- if your name is Paul Johns it might as well be John Pauls.

Mount Rushmore of U.S. Presidents- Blair Bush, Houston Hoover, Lincoln Kennedy, Sam Madison

Mount Rushmore of Guys With Three First Names- Walker Lee Ashley, Waldo Don Carlos, Bobby Jack Floyd, Peter Tom Willis

Mount Rushmore of Royalty- Wesley Duke, Kenny King, Ryan Prince, Jeff Queen

Mount Rushmore of Religion- Blaine Bishop, Bob Christian, Art Monk, Bucky Pope

Mount Rushmore of Vocations- Fred Broker,  Carl Painter, Charley Quilter, Lou Usher

Mount Rushmore of Rap- Warren Bone, Raekwon McMillan, Chris Redman, Buster Rhymes

Mount Rushmore of Nice Fellows- Tom Good, Larry Peace, Anthony Pleasant, Lousaka Polite

Mount Rushmore of Movie Characters- Jim Bond, Andy Gump, Ricky Powers, Ken-Yon Rambo

Living Things
Mount Rushmore of Woodland Creatures- Brad Badger, Tim Fox, Eddie Hare, Dick Wolf

Mount Rushmore of Farm Animals- Ronnie Bull, Amos Bullocks, Fred Chicken, Brad Lamb

Mount Rushmore of Fish- Glenn Bass, Mark Pike, Mike Salmon, Lyle Sturgeon

Mount Rushmore of Birds- John David Crow, Elvis Peacock, Kendrick Starling, John Woodcock

Mount Rushmore of Plants- Dick Flowers, Corey Ivy, Randy Moss, Tad Weed

Mount Rushmore of Trees- Juddy Ash, Howard Maple, Mike Palm, Ed Pine

Things to Eat or Drink
Mount Rushmore of Fruit- Jim Apple, Deron Cherry, Dave Pear, Milt Plum

Mount Rushmore of Meat- Coy Bacon, Jack Ham, Max Kielbasa, Demetrin Veal

Mount Rushmore of Condiments- Wayne Capers, Ron Mayo, Chad Mustard, Craig Yeast

Mount Rushmore of Sweets- Jamaal Fudge, Leo Sugar, Carl Wafer, Donald Angel Food Cake. Just seeing if you were paying attention. Nobody with the surname of Angel Food Cake has yet to play in the NFL. Cookie Gilchrist is the final member of this Mount Rushmore.

Mount Rushmore of Drinks- Tom Beer, Ed Champagne, Bob Margarita, Rich Martini
Mount Rushmore of Cat Activities- Jerry Groom, Jim Hunt, Russ Lay, Dennis Lick

Mount Rushmore of Court Rooms- Bob Jury, Charlie Justice, Dou Innocent, Ty Law

Mount Rushmore of Things to Wear- Bill Brace, Walt Fedora, Bill Ring, Peter Shorts

Mount Rushmore of Violence- Frank Gore, Tuffy Maul, Webster Slaughter, Henry Slay

Mount Rushmore of Weapons- Billy Cannon, Glen Spear, Sam Sword, Clyde Van Sickle

Mount Rushmore of Months- Mike January, Ray May, Cato June, Steve August

Mount Rushmore of Colors- Ivory Lee Brown, Terrance Copper, Joe Lavender, Willie Teal

Mount Rushmore of Body Parts- Loyd Arms, Tommy Neck, Darin Shoulders, Reggie Tongue

Mount Rushmore of NFL Team Names- Fred Cardinal, Alex Eagle, Terry Falcon, Walter Packer

Mount Rushmore of NBA Team Names- Phil Blazer, Cub Buck, Scott Bull, A.J. Hawk

Mount Rushmore of Days- Larry Friday, Carlyle Holiday, Andy Sabados, Jeff Saturday

Mount Rushmore of Football Actions- Mike Hold, Patrick Pass, Bob Rush, John Sack

Mount Rushmore of Writing- Bob Books, Jack Read, Bill Story, Barry Word

Mount Rushmore of Squirrel Interests- Fred Acorn, Cliff Branch, Joe Little Twig, Frank Seeds

Quite a number of Mount Rushmore ideas were left on the cutting room floor usually because there was not a fourth name to be found whatsoever or there was but it was just sort of good. We want to avoid "sort of good." We are not into reaches. Hmm. Reaches. What are things that reach? Well, while I go ponder that hopefully, some readers will put their own Mount Rushmores in the comment section.

John W. Lesko is a member of the Professional Football Researchers Association and a graduate of Seton Hall University. He is a contributing writer of  "The 1958 Baltimore Colts: Profiles of the NFL's First Sudden Death Champions" and wrote an article for "The Coffin Corner" on all the major pro football games without a touchdown.

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